Posted by: YWB | August 3, 2007

Hope was a illussion!


I was nervous, scared and deep inside me I had no courage. I am never nervous, no matter what and even if I am no body can tell that I am nervous. So I had to act like me, I couldn’t show and couldn’t share it.. I was walking down the downtown’s busiest street, waited at couple of intersections to cross the road and finally I was there.

I was still scared and nervous of losing hope……finally the moment arrived when I had to go through the actual pain of knowing that I have no hope at all or maybe not. But than finally a twinkle of hope appeared from nowhere. I was surprised and all happy but the reason of my happiness was not what I was telling everyone and nor was the one they all were assuming. It was something else completely different.

Last time I didn’t pray not when I was going there not when I was actually there. I don’t know, I do ask myself WHY? and I always get the answer that I had fully faith on Allah, it was like I knew He wont reject my prayers. I am still surprised how I reacted when I found out there is no hope for me. I was sitting there staring at this person’s face. He kept on telling me the possibilities and kept on lecturing me that this is not the end of the world you can still carry on with life. But I wanted to run out of his office but instead I sat there, looked so clam though deep down I was shattered. Later that day I carried on with my usual routine and when finally I was alone I broke out with tears. I look strong so strong that I can go through almost anything but deep down I am the weak.

That was past and past is gone, though it is always connected with our present no matter what we do. I was happy because I found that twinkle of hope that I thought I lost. I had it all planned out, everything figured out. I told my self this time I am going to do it alone. I’ll do everything all by my self, I don’t need anyone’s moral support. It is better if you go through any pain any suffering all by your self instead of having people standing beside you and not do anything but watch you break down. At least than you cant complain of being lonely. All of the sudden I was confident and full of energy. This time I prayed, I actually deeply prayed.

How easy it is for someone to give you hope and for the other person to take it back . I was avoiding it for last two months, I had no courage to face the harsh fact of life. Maybe deep down I knew I have no chance at all and I just wanted to live with this fake hope. Life is so easy that way. I wasn’t confident at all, I don’t know where I have lost all my motivation, all my strength. I was sitting there shaking my feet nervously. Than finally I was called in and than I found out its all gone, I’ll never ever have any hope.

Now that I think of it, it seems like it was all my fault, I knew about it all the time yet I had to put myself into this. WHY? Do I enjoy going through this pain again and again? So finally I have decided, I am not going to try again and I will live with this fact. I know life is never gona be easy for me and it never was. So yesterday was the day when I lost it all and weird people around me have no idea at all what I have gone through. I am doing as one of you reader advised, I am telling my self that nothing bad had happened, it is working but not as much. I need time to recover though I know I’ll never recover yet I’ll put up a mask of ‘I-am-all-happy’.

PS: don’t tell me there are possibilities/I shouldn’t give up and all these kinda advices because I KNOW THERE ISN’T…

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Responses

  1. “Why do we fall Bruce? we fall so that we can learn to lift ourselves up”

    *Alfred to Bruce wayne- Batman Begiins

  2. its not about falling down………

  3. kinda it is, when we lose hope its like we have fallen down some deep dark well, and now we do not think we can climb back out again, or we cannot see anyway to climb out again.

    Life is interesting in this regard, its the unknown that keeps us going, if we knew what would come ahead we would get bored and it would be better to end our own lifes. It is true for good things and bad

  4. until or unless u share the thing wid someone u wont find anyone giving u right advice or solution. but i still can feel the same pain becus ive been through from such pains when i feel like loosing all hopes but anyway

  5. Khawab adoray sahi, khawab saharay to hain…

    Kia hogaya yaar, why so down ??? inshaAllah you’ll be more happier than before (ameen)
    Remember one door closes and a thosand more open 🙂
    Plz dont be like this warna I’ll start crying too :s
    They say that mayoosi kufar hai.
    So get up, get going and dont “put up” a mask but be originally happy. And I agree with Karl on sharing it with someone and I volunteer.

    PS: Welcome to the club

  6. no i hav no guts 2 share it wid any1…..
    kuch mehromiyan ensan ke saat rehti hain sari umaar ke leya…aur mehromiyon ka taluk opportunities ke saat nahi hova karta…..

    saabhi ne tu mask pehna hova hain n i think its abt time ke main bi i-am-happy ka mask cehrah loon….
    sayad zindagi esi ka name hai

  7. so true!

  8. which post did i delete karl…..
    well most of the time i am optimist….i dont give up on anything easily….

  9. Congratulations. No no, I’m not being sarcastic, I’m serious. I know how it’s like, keeping things to yourself and pretending everything’s alright. But when something like this happens, something that pushes you to your limits, you grow!

    And look at it this way – Allah ta’ala ko insaan ka tuutna pasand hai. To sabar kar ke savab luut lo!

    May you find happiness in every moment you breathe!

  10. You shouldn’t bury your grief into yourself and think nobody cares. After relating your sorrows to someone can make you feel a lot better, even if they can’t do anything but just listen. There was a reason God created so many human beings, so that we could support each other in bad times and be happy with each other in good times. I am sure you have a lot of people around you, who love you and would support you and listen to you and if you can’t do that, then you could anonymously relate your problem to someone.. other than that there is always Allah there for you.


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